And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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