my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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