She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
