I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
