Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
our cab driver is having phone sex.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
