I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
