Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
