Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
