Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
