What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
