Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
sarcasm needs its own font
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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