i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
