I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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