i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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