wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
