Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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