just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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