I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
