Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You need Xanax blowdarts
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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