I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
my liver is dry heaving
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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