Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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