If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize