After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
