Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
