call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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