You smell like stripper and shame
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
