Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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