Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
