the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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