I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
