she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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