she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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