Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
