Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
