yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
