then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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