She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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