Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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