Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I can feel your judgement through the phone
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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