i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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