Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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