a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
