Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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