The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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