What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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