my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
