i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
