Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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