You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
