I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
