the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
There r osticjed everywhere
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
