But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
