I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize