I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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