Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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