There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Randomize
