why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
