Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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