last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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