Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
