oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
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