How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
